Fighting Irish
by Murkay
Summary: Jack needs Dennis's help with a 'Liss' problem
1. Chapter 1

"Dennis I have arranged for you to be part of the St Patricks Day parade this year! NBC have created a potato float, of course it's not a real potato and anyway I thought that you could represent us Irish whilst waving proudly to the crowds dressed as a pint of Guinness?"

"Jack, I would be honoured to take part"

"There's just one thing I need you to do for me first"

"So how did it go?"

"It didn't go well Jack; I think I might have made it worse?"

"But, it was full proof…you turn up at Liz's apartment, with the actress that I found on Craig's list. Make Liz so furious that Criss can't deal with all the 'Deniz' drama that he breaks up with her!"

Dennis gives a beaten look and he can see the anger building in Jack's face. Dennis continues to watch as Jack circles his office and explains to Dennis why he needed his help.

"Dennis, I need you to understand, I gave Criss a chance, I really did, I gave him 3 months and well, after those 3 months, I realised that, I simply don't like him. So I made the decision that Liz and Criss should end it. So I reached out to you because I thought for sure I could count on you to infuriate Lemon and now you're telling me that's not how it went down?"

"She told Criss that she loved him"

"Lemon said the L word? That's ridiculous, she's not there yet. Her hand must have been forced?"

"From what I saw Jack, it looked genuine"

Dennis retrieves the remote and flicks through TeVo to find the NBC footage on the St Patricks parade, he nervously fast forwards through the footage of him defending the potato float from his fellow fighting Irish who genuinely believe that is the largest potato they have ever seen. Yet they still continue to chew on the potato despite it being made of cardboard. Dennis stops on the moment the camera's captured when Liz confesses her love for Criss to then freeze frame on their kiss. Dennis walks over to Jack to hand him the remote.

Barely summing the strength to take the remote from Dennis, Jack presses the power button and stares at the blank screen.

"Do you want me to pour you a drink Jack?"

Dennis patiently waits for Jack to respond and decides to pour him a Scotch anyway. Pouring the drink into the tumbler Dennis then gestures to Jack that he should take it. Jack snatches the tumbler from Dennis to then knock his nip back.

"I'm sorry Jack, I can see how disappointed you are, I can see it in your face, I have even let myself down and more importantly I let our fellow Irishmen down, the way I behaved on that parade, our proudest day…"

"What?"

Jack continues to look blankly at Dennis.

"Dennis, let me ask you something, have you ever thought about what kind of man Lemon should be with?"

"I've never really thought about it before."

"Well, I have"

Dennis takes a seat on Jack's couch and is intrigued to hear what Jack has to say.

"Ok Jack, tell me, what kind of guy you think Elizabeth should be with"

"Well for starters, she needs someone who is successful and is equal if not more intelligent than her. Criss is a struggling entrepreneur who doesn't even have the brains to successfully run a hot dog van from outside Rockefeller Plaza. The Kebab van owner outside, you know the one that looks like a terrorist, drives a Mercedes…just saying."

"Ok, so he's not as smart or as successful as she is"

"Someone who can support her, God I know that I have had to carry her both emotionally and physically over the years…that woman cannot handle her periods. Look at Criss, he can't even support himself, when she first met him he was living in his van."

"He makes her happy"

"Happy? Lemon writes a comedy show, she doesn't need a man to make her happy"

"He's enthusiastic…"

"So are horny teens, what's your point?"

Dennis looks hard at Jack and realises that it is Jack, who's not getting the point.

"Dennis, I want Lemon to have the best. Don't you think she deserves the best? I want Liz to be with someone who is intelligent, successful and most importantly handsome. I'm tired of looking at those chinless men she presents to me".

"Can't you see Jack, all those qualities in a guy, well she already has that?"

"Criss has none of those qualities"

"No Jack, I mean, she has you. You're all of those things. Why should Liz look for a guy with all those qualities when she already has them in you? Why can't she have someone that provides her with the things that she doesn't have, like happiness, a guy who has the ability to show her their love, someone who is willing to settle down and commit themselves to her?"

Dennis rises from the leather couch places his tumbler on the table and walks towards the door but turns to face Jack as he leaves.

"All I'm saying is that Liz has a man who loves her, he makes her happy and what's wrong with that?"

X


	2. Chapter 2

It's Thursday morning and the dress rehearsal is underway, Pete is organising the extras and getting them in position before Jenna and Tracey take their positions on the main stage. Pete can hear talking on the floor and reminds everyone to pipe down before walking the short distance to the podium were Liz waits and unrolls her script to find her place in the scene.

Pete yells "Quiet please…okay, taking it from the top"

The scene begins and Liz's head is still buried in the notes that she made from the night before. The noise of the hustle of the extras is like white noise until she hears a familiar voice from within the crowd. Looking up she scans the scene to match the face to the voice. Stopping in her tracks, she pin points a woman from the crowd. Taking a hold of Pete's arm she forces his head down so that she can whisper in his ear.

"You are never going to believe who that is"

"What are you talking about?"

"The woman, over there, with the African sunset hair, do you see her?" Liz not so indiscreetly points her out.

"You mean the woman with the bright red hair!"

"That's Dennis Duffy's girlfriend Megan!"

"Megan? Are you sure her name is Megan?"

"Yes Pete, of course her name is Megan, she's Irish so of course her name is Megan"

Pete takes the call sheet from the back of his clip board and scans through the details of the extras as he doesn't recall hiring a Megan. He scans for her name without success; he does however find the photo that matches the name Lorna. Pointing out the mistake Pete delights in shoving it in Liz's face. Liz snatches the call sheet from his hands and reads the brief description beside her name to which it references her key skills: mastering an Irish accent, acting drunk and a little slutty.

"What the what?"

Reading through the papers and double checking. Liz demands a break from filming. She asks for Pete to shut it down.

"Ok, we are going to take a quick break"

On Pete's call everyone evaporates from the stage. Rolling the call sheet in her hand, Liz approaches the Kraft table.

"Hey Megan"

The woman does not flinch. Liz tries again to grab her attention by lightly tapping her on the shoulder with her call sheet to which the woman slowly turns round.

"Hey, how's it going?"

The woman looks blankly at Liz and is failing to recognise her. Liz can see in her face that she does not remember their meeting at her apartment.

"You're Megan right?"

The penny finally drops and instantly the memory comes back like a 30 Rock flashback.

"Hi" Lorna attempts at remember a name but nothing comes out.

"I'm Liz"

"Right, yeh Liz, how are you?"

"Good, so how is your relationship with my ex-boyfriend Dennis Duffy going?"

Lorna looks down not prepared to look Liz in the eye and instantly Liz can tell she's hiding something from her.

"Look, Liz, I'm not really going out with Dennis"

This revelation comes as no surprise to her.

"I knew it! So, who are you, some actress that he paid to be his girlfriend?"

"Exactly but Dennis wasn't the one who paid me"

"Of course not, was it his mother?"

Liz grabs her Velcro wallet from her back pocket and retrieves a handful of dollar bills to illustrate Lorna's performance.

"Here give this back to his mother, she shouldn't have to pay for this"

Lorna is flat out refusing to take the money from Liz.

"Please no, put your money away. It wasn't his mother who paid me, it was another guy"

"What do you mean another guy?"

"The guy who paid me, he could afford it, he looked rich. I could just tell, what can I say, it's a gift."

"Let me guess, nice tie?"

"Yes, it was blue or was it red…I can't remember"

Liz's mouth is left a jar and her eyes start to squeeze tight with annoyance, she wants to make sure her suspicious is right before she takes her next move.

"Did this guy also have piercing whiskey breath, smells like a suite and knows how to wear blue eyes"

"That's him"

Liz clinches her teeth together and forces two words out from her pursed lips

"Jack Donaghy"

X


	3. Chapter 3

Liz makes her way to her office and punches the speed dial button which enables her to bypass Gabe and reach Jack directly.

"Jack!"

"Hello Lemon, you sound like you're having your woman times, is everything ok?"

"I just found out that you paid an actress to play Dennis Duffy's girlfriend!"

Liz continues to breathe heavily down the call before realising how she sounds in Jack's ear and quickly monitors her breathing before speaking again.

"Why would you do that Jack?"

"Lemon, have you any idea how frustrating it is to watch someone you care about make bad relationship choices?

"Wait, I'm confused? Did you pay that woman to be Dennis Duffy's girlfriend so he wouldn't have to go through life as a 40 year old single man?"

"Lemon, you creative types always make situations more complicated than they really are."

Jack presses the loud speaker button on the phone to allow him to pace round the office in the hopes of explaining himself.

"Lemon, I understand that you are a woman and you don't have the capacity to see things simply as they are, maybe you should try and think more like a man, that's what I always say to Liddy."

Liz rolls her eyes at Jack whilst she continues to hold the phone close to her ear; she knots her fingers through the cords of the telephone as she listens. She knows that she is too angry to come up and face him directly and knows too well the satisfaction Jack will get seeing how worked up she is.

"Lemon, I paid for that woman in the hopes you would be jealous and break up with Criss"

SLAM!

Liz slams the phone down and makes her way to Jack's office.

On her arrival Gabe greats her with a warm smile and gestures for her to go on through.

"Mr Donaghy is expecting you"

"Ughhhhhhh!"

Jack stands over the drinks trolley whilst pouring Liz's favourite wine into a glass.

"I should pour that drink over you"

"I've taught you better than to waste good wine Lemon"

Liz grits her teeth together and refuses to take the drink from Jack. He now understands the seriousness of the conversation and is ready to explain.

"I'm going to be honest with you, I don't like Criss and he's not good enough for you."

"You don't even know him Jack"

"Fine, how about dinner tonight at Plunder, we can all sit down together and see what happens"

Jack's reasoning always did have a calming effect on Liz and she agrees to his terms.

"Thank you Jack"

Liz and Criss are first to arrive and patiently wait for Jack's arrival. Liz is quick to spot Jack and leaps out of her seat to greet him. Criss before his very eyes see's the whole thing as if in slow motion. Liz raises her left arm and holds it tightly around Jack's neck to which he responds placing his arm on Liz's lower back pushing her into his torso so that there is no space between them; his free hand gently holds her right arm to steady her as they continue their prolonged embrace. Jack confidently grazes a soft kiss on Liz's neck which sends electricity down her body and causes her leg to elevate in an old school movie way. Before his release, he pushes her further up into his chest and squeezes into the neuk of her neck and takes a deep inhale which tickles her sensitive nape. After an inappropriately amount of time has passed Jack reluctantly releases Liz and they lock eyes whist still in their cocoon and share a soft smile that reaches both their eyes. Liz's left arm is still rested on Jack's shoulder as the tingling of Jack's kiss has made her legs buckle and give way to which she shrugs off as an awkward welcome dance for Jack.

Inside Criss's head he screams "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!"

Jack holds out his hand for Criss to take to which he is looking a little shell-shocked. Jack takes hold of Criss's limp hand and shakes it politely and gestures for him to take his seat not before pulling out Liz's chair. Forgetting his manner's Criss immediately reaches for the water and pours himself a large glass to which he gulps down in haste.

Once everyone is settled and ordered, Jack is ready to get to know Criss a little better, he starts with polite small talk, which consists of the basics. As Criss answers, Jack becomes more and more frustrated that nothing sparks his interest until Criss mentions his father.

"My fathers is a Professor"

Jack sits up in his chair as he thinks, finally something that is mildly interesting about him.

"Really, what is he a Professor of?

"He's a History Professor"

Criss can see that he now has Jack's attention and decides to disclose more information in the hopes that Jack will be impressed.

"Also Elvis Costelo gave him a kidney"

SPIT TAKE – Both Jack and Liz ejects the content of their drinks onto the table.

"Hold on, is your father Milton Green?"

Criss nods not really understanding what's happening. Liz quizzes him further as she can see that Jack has no words.

"Is your real name Spiderman?"

Criss beings to piece everything together, whilst Liz encourages him to get there faster, gesturing with her hands to make the connection.

"You're John Francis Donaghy?"

Jack nods his head in agreement

"Even when you wrote the cheque, I still didn't put two and two together."

"That's because you are an idiot!"

"OMG, you're my half-brother?"

As Jack sits back and examines the three of them sitting together, he can't help but think, perhaps Lemon sees a little of Jack in Criss. He is now able to come to terms with the fact that if he can't be Liz's whole life he will certainly be part of her life and he can live with that.

The End


End file.
